I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
