the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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