Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
