dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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