i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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