1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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