Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize