I need help removing her.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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