The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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