I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
