I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
