you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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