i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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