so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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