NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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