the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize