She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
