I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Sober January is a disaster.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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