I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In other news, I just burned my penis
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
