My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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