Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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