my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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