my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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