I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
