The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize