I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize