he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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