If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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