I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
