Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
