the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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