We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
