So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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