Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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