I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
