i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
