Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
