Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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