Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
