did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
