I'm pants shitting drunk right now
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
