look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I deserve this hangover.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
