I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just invented taco cereal.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
