i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
