You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
