So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
