Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize