I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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