I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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