my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
