fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And then my night got REAL pukey
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
