You made me cry and you don't even care
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
