Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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