on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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