I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
